Brothers and Sisters, I come to you today with simple, humble words of caution brought on by a friend's comments on Facebook. One of our gym friends made a comment a few days ago that has stuck in my widdle iddy biddy noggin for a few days now. After contemplating his words, it occurs to me that they may be worth passing on to those of you who read the blog regularly.
Simply put, our friend wondered what the gym was going to be like over the next few weeks as all the New Years Knuckleheads come pouring through the front door, resolutions in hand, and do their best to permanently injure themselves.
Now where our friend has the ability to be kindly generic on his comments, I on the other hand (to paraphrase Eric Roberts in the Expendables) am not burdened with that moral dilemma.
Let's start with the more obvious:
Attention 30ish year old guy who was a star athlete 10+ years and 50+ lbs ago. Welcome back to the house of iron and pain brother. Take it from me, the guy who learned the same lesson a year ago: those round black discs on the racks are made of iron and they have gotten a lot fucking heavier since you last met. Please keep this in mind as you attempt to show off to your buddy that you dragged in from work with you. Just because you could toss 405 up on a bench press like it was made of marshmallow fluff in college doesn't mean that whatever deity you now pray to after too much beer will save your ass from having it fall on your chest like a boulder. A large, unforgiving, yet highly humorous to many of those around you boulder. Particularly when you've spent 15 minutes beforehand telling everyone around what a bad-ass you used to be. Please don't be that guy.
Attention attractive, 30ish mom who is upset with the fact that she's suddenly competing with her husband's 22 year old secretary for "quality time." True you were a knockout in college. True you've had three kids along the way and the unruly bastards did to your body what all unruly bastards do to their condos: they tore it up like the last suite Brett Michaels used to audition groupies in 1989. We get it. You don't like the way you look anymore and you're going to do something about it. Awesome, just keep one thing in mind: running on a treadmill until you fall the hell out when you haven't run across the yard in 10 years is not going to help anything. Get a trainer, your husband can afford it. Also, just a note, no matter what you do your husband will still be a two timing asshole. Refocus your quest to regain hotness as a means to land his replacement. (Also, just one other side note: you are probably still a hell of a lot hotter than you think you are... just sayin'...)
Dear Mr. I watched a couple of YouTube videos and now I'm an expert: LISTEN CLOSELY. Please kindly and directly shut the hell up before you get someone other than yourself hurt. Also, those people you're trying to tell what they're doing wrong constantly don't want your input. If they did they'd ask, believe me. A good gym is kind of a unique place. When you've earned the respect of those around you, it suddenly becomes okay to ask questions and have them asked of you. Being a chock-full-of-bullshit, know-it-all assclown earns you nothing my friend.
Lastly, and this one is just a pet peeve of mine, please do not bag on anyone else and what they can and cannot do. I've touched on this before but I really mean this with all of my heart. The gym is not a place to show off or brag and it is an individual journey at its heart. If you choose to bag on the guy who is proud of himself for finally being able to deadlift 225 after six months of hard work, please remember this: we all saw you drop 315 on the floor last night and whine like an angry baby. Please don't be that jerk or the guys who laugh at the thought of using your workout weight as a first set warm up, you know those boys with 675 on the bar and hate in their eyes, will call you on it. There is always a bigger beast out there my friend. Always.
There is one more set of people heading into the gym this glorious New Years that I also want to touch on: those that are there for a reason. You've decided to make a change in your life for whatever reason. You're tired of being fat. You're tired of having no energy. You want your old body back. You want a new body period. Hell, I don't care if you saw the Avengers movie and think you can be the next Hulk. For whatever reason you're serious about being here and I have only one thing to say to you: WELCOME AND GOOD LUCK!
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