Guest Blog: Being Big Is the Best Disguise

To start us off here on The BigFella's Guide, I'd like to repost a guest blog from Brandon Stoops, a writer and hardcore BigFella that will be a regular contributor to the site.  Brandon's little essay was originally published on our sponsor blog, The Cynical Sarcastic, earlier this year and remains one of their most popular posts.  Granted our fearless author here has lost about fifty pounds since he wrote this piece (go 'head on, B!), he's still one of the largest human beings / Wookiee's-in-training I know and I couldn't think of a better way to get our BigFella's project off and running. 

 

Take it away Brandon!

 

 

Big is the Best Costume by Brandon Stoops

For the better part of my childhood I was the Butterball turkey kid of every classroom I walked into. I was too shy to do anything in public, whether it was reading aloud or talking to girls. A funny thing happened along the way. I discovered these wonderful things called testosterone production and weight rooms and they became my friends. After a few years I grew to be my now 6’1”and three-hundred pound self. It kind of goes without saying that I am no longer the fat kid in class: I’m now the monster that ate that fat kid, but in a good way.

I hear a lot of people say they’d like to be big. They don’t realize that it has its share of problems. People look at big folks like me and don’t see our true selves. They don’t see the big goof. They see the large, tattooed and angry white guy with a beard that looks like the Viking raiding party just set the house on fire with them in it. Don’t get me wrong. The shock and awe factor never gets old but it isn’t who most of us big folk really are.

The older I get the more I find that laughter is the ultimate source of happiness. This is great because I like making people laugh, hard. I’m usually down for most anything, even when I find myself as the butt of the joke. Most of the time it’s worth it, particularly if it cheers up a sad friend or just gets everyone laughing, even if it’s at my expense. The fact is that most of us big people have a sense of humor and really like to use it. You probably don’t know it but most big folk don’t mind jumping in on a joke and flopping around in it like a giant baby in water wings.

Shocking, ain’t it?

There is more to us big folks, however, aside from just making others giggle. The amount of stupid stuff and somewhat useful information that rattles around in my ol’ noggin has surprisingly not been dulled all that much from all the shots to the head I’ve taken over the years. Who says helmets don’t work?

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah.

I don’t let it be known right off if you don’t know me that I’m actually somewhat intelligent. Like I said the shock and awe factor never really gets old although just once I’d like to meet someone who didn’t immediately twist my arm around and try to read my damn tattoos. That’s one of the reasons being big is such a great costume. I truly love the fact that people judge me by what I look like and think that just because I can lift a refrigerator that I must be as dumb as one. Yes we all know guys that can pick up a car but can’t spell the word but there really aren’t a lot of us like that. It has a ‘k’ in it, right?

And now for the one serious part of this post. Please understand that big folk are not big for your convenience. I’m big and strong because I made the decision to be so and I have literally sweated blood to become this way. I decided at a young age that if I was going to be big I was going to be strong too. I made a change in my life. I dedicated myself. I hurt every day. I eat more than your family on any given day because this body I built for myself demands it. Most people don’t realize that the damage I have done to my body to become this size will cause it to wear out faster and I will die earlier than most of you. Do I mind all this, no. This is the choice I made. What I mind is when you expect me to be your pack mule because you’re too lazy to carry that bag of dog food to your cart. What I also mind is all the violent talk that flies my direction just because I am larger than most. When is the last time someone told you they would rather shoot you than fight you if they made you mad? If you only knew how many times a week I hear that crap and have to turn and go on my merry way before the Sickness descends upon me (thank you Mr. Draiman). Folks, even if I was born five hundred years too late, violence isn’t an acceptable thing in our society and us big folks appreciate that kind of junk even less than you normal people do. I like many of you was taught as a kid to not act up and honestly I just don’t want to be that guy. I’d rather be known as the guy you can goof with and the big teddy bear and not the guy you can’t cut your eyes at. I’m much rather be known for cutting up, carrying on, these deep blue eyes and my Southern form of English that I forget how to speak right sometimes, especially when she’s just that purty!

With all that said I’ll shut up now. If you’ve made it this far, well, I’d say I’m sorry but yeah well. Just remember that you never really know someone until you make them laugh. This goes for you whether you’re big, small, fat, skinny, black, white, plaid, purple, or whatever.

Please don’t make me start quoting Forrest Gump here folks. It ain’t pretty.

Thanks for listening and all but if I were you I’d move.

You’re between me and the dinner table.